What The Un-Friendly Woman With the Very-Friendly Husband Needs To Know

The unfriendly woman describes herself using terms like "shy", "not talkative", or "busy" depending on the occasion.

Some people use words like "proud", "unapproachable" or "cold." If she doesn't smile, they add terms like "sour pus" and "stone face."

The husband defends her with “She’s real sweet when you get to know her.”

You bet, he's right (unless of course there is a valid psychological reason for her social phobia). Problem is, not many of his friends feel obligated to invest the amount of effort it takes to understand her.

There can be two reactions from his female friends to the wife's introverted behavior.

The conscientious women may choose to avoid both man and wife since they feel awkward talking and laughing with the man, while his wife hangs around looking like she’d rather be elsewhere.

The callous women may interpret the wife’s aloofness coupled with the husband’s charisma to mean lack of fun in the union; they will vote themselves in as the substitute source of pleasure for the husband.

The indiscretion that can result from the second group is a discussion for another hub.

Here, we’ll focus on the unfriendly woman.

In the first place, how did your frosty personality manage to attract such a warmhearted companion? You can't be as uncaring as you'd have us believe. You have a fair amount of charm. You use it when you want to—like when you saw the man you wanted for a husband. At the heart of your unfriendliness are qualities like self-centeredness and indifference which allow you to turn your friendliness off and on as you please.

That’s your prerogative; but we know—that you know—that you’re hiding some of your best qualities from us. Your husband would benefit from your revelation of the magnetism that pulled him to you. He likes it when he can enjoy the company of his friends without having to make excuses for your unfriendliness. His friends also feel more comfortable when they perceive that you’re comfortable.

So you’d prefer to stay home alone or with your husband, but he wants to join the crowd. Negotiate. Ask for a limit on the time you’ll be required to spend acting friendly. Then psyche yourself to break out of your shell for that period.

You may have some fear about whether or not his friends will like you. They have the same fear about you. It will soon be disproved when you begin to interact with them.

Give compliments about hairstyles or shoes. Ask questions to keep the talker talking, and pay attention like a good listener. Put in an occasional sentence about something you read or heard on the news. It really doesn’t take much to break your silence. You’ll soon find yourself being friendly without effort, especially if you don’t keep looking at your watch.

Make eye contact and smile. If you keep looking and walking straight ahead, your smile will not register as genuine. Smile as if a pleasant thought entered your mind as soon as you saw the person. You have the ability to generate thoughts. You don’t have to talk to express friendliness. Let a look of affirmation or approval accompany your smile.

The opposite of courtesy is rudeness. For example, your husband is speaking with an acquaintance you don’t know and don’t care to know. You interrupt the conversation to remind your husband that it is time to leave; and you ignore the other person. Ignoring her is rude.

Say hello. Even introduce yourself if your husband is not mindful to do the introductions. Smile and apologize for interrupting, which you just had to do because your husband who is having so much fun, lost track of the time (don’t say that).

Regardless of what else his friends think about you, don’t let them prove that you’re rude.

You and your husband are a social team of two. Display your closeness (not only physically) with each other while you interact with the friends. Make an effort to listen if your husband shows interest or if he is telling the story. Laugh at his jokes. Let them see that you admire him.

Maxwell Anderson, the poet advises “If two stand shoulder to shoulder against the gods happy together, the gods themselves are helpless against them while they stand so.” It is difficult to see an unbreakable bond between two people when one is usually sweet and the other is usually bland. It helps your image of strength and loyalty when your friends see you sharing each other’s interest.

When the friends finally admit, “You’re really friendlier than we thought,” you can respond with, “Isn’t it funny how much we think alike?” Then release your vulnerability slowly.

To keep the friendships wholesome and happy, set boundaries around the kind and level of interaction you will have with your husband’s friends. Remember that the friends belong to both of you, and that secret sessions with them are never appropriate; neither are private discussions about him or without him. Just a reminder!

Now embrace the new friendships. Greet and entertain the friends with an air of confidence. They will to bring out the best in you and you the best in them. You don’t always have to be available, but when you are, be friendly!