How To Establish A Positive Relationship Between Stepmother And Stepchild

It is not unusual for a young woman to become a wife and mother simultaneously. What would be unusual though, is for her to embrace these two roles with an equal amount of delight. No matter how much she loves her husband, loving his child is an additional responsibility. Not that motherhood is an unwelcome role, but entering a family in which the child has had a previous mother, brings some adjustment issues for both the child and father, and some relationship potholes which the new mom may fall into without warning. This situation is far different from becoming mother to a newborn.

The challenge for the new stepmom is to establish a workable, productive, enjoyable relationship with the child—to her own satisfaction and the satisfaction of everyone concerned. God forbid that the child has a meddling, overprotective, biological mother! However, with adequate preparation the stepmom can lessen her fears, tackle her new task with confidence, and become a wise, not a wicked, stepmother.

A man who has younger children may be anxious for the girlfriend and child to meet, hoping that the little darlings will pull at the woman’s heartstrings and influence her to get close. It is better if the adults focus on each other at first, to make sure that they love each other with or without children. Introduce the children at the point where it appears that the relationship has a future. Consider the following questions which may influence the decision to continue or not continue to meet.

• Do you love the man as he is, without wishing for any change in his situation?

• Was his interest in you as intense before, as it is has been after you mentioned your love for kids?

• Is he clear on separation issues regarding the baby’s mother? Have they set boundaries on their present relationship?

• Are child custody and child support issues settled?

• Do you anticipate working with the child’s mother as a civil co-parent and not a rival?

Just checking to make sure that you understand the sharing situation in which you are becoming involved. Some women think it is out of place for the man to have a conversation with the child’s mother. That is not practical, unless she has been a criminal offender and legally barred from communication with the father and child. Otherwise, discuss boundaries; establish trustworthy habits like no-secret meetings, calls or notes; solicit the assurance that you’ll be the one and only wife.

The male gender will be used to refer to the child, but we know that there are many fathers who produce beautiful daddies’ girls.

The child may be respectful and cooperative in response to your expression of joy in meeting him; he may even like you, because of your efforts to please him. However, liking you does not mean that he wants you to marry his dad, and he may reject the idea of having you come around too often. Your reaction will affect him now and forever, so be cautious.

The following chart offers a general guide toward the child’s behavior, if he is still affected by the breakup, or absence of the mother. Cooperate with the father and don't try to solve problems by yourself. Hopefully, the child will come around to accepting you, and will be a member of the wedding party.

"Just the two of us," ends immediately after the honeymoon. You're now a wife and a mother, with the responsibility of sharing your affection between husband and child. If you can keep them both happy, you are more likely to enjoy a happy home atmosphere.

Here are some pointers for your consideration:

• In the presence of the child, be discreet in your show of affection for the father, especially if the child is at prone to emotional tug-of-wars. Yes, the man is your husband, but put yourself in the child's shoes. He may never have seen his father show affection for his mother, and he may resent you for robbing his mother of that opportunity (even though you didn't). Children are not experts at interpreting facts. Your consideration will pay off in the long run.
• Expect that you and your husband may disagree on parenting styles and strategies. Do not tolerate disrespect, but let the father discipline his way. Do not allow the child to fuel your disagreement with his input.
• Let the father and child enjoy time together, just the two of them. Respect their time together, so that the child will respect your time with his father. The child will see that marrying you did not cause his father to abandon him.
• Speak kindly of the child's mother and wish her well. You do not have to become her bosom friend, but be approachable. Eventually, she may feel as comfortable talking with you as she does with the child's father.

If you become a stepmother, count it an honor to make positive contributions toward the lives of the children who come with the marriage. If you are the one bringing children from a former marriage with you, help your spouse apply the same principles. The more love you give, the more love you receive--if not immediately, after a while.