Levelheaded Divorcee Advises Married Friends

Think twice, three times, one hundred times if you are unhappily married and considering divorce. Know that you cannot make a wise decision before you talk with an honest divorcee, read about one, or sit with a divorce support group. You’ll be surprised at the many salvageable opportunities for your marriage.

If cheating, abuse, drug or gambling addiction is the disruptive behavior in the marriage, put the offender away in a professional facility for spiritual and mental repair while you work on your ability to pull him or her away from self-destruction. Just kidding! You’ll never be strong enough on your own to keep someone else from messing up. However, supernatural help can be obtained through prayer; so also can forgiveness, which is a prerequisite for continuing commitment to the marriage.

Never try to retaliate by doing something wrong. Don’t hurt yourself, trying to hurt your partner; before you know it, the two will become one in similar crimes. If you concentrate on saving your marriage rather than satisfying your desire for revenge, you could make a phenomenal impact on your children by demonstrating self-worth, genuine love and the importance of family. You also have a viewing public watching your struggle and some are cheering for a positive outcome. Talk with a trusted friend. Listen too.

If the marriage meddlers are incompatible differences difficult to name, stay in separate quarters of the house, till you find the right term to describe them and can articulate the change of behavior you expect. You spoke glibly about the reasons you fell in love; be also clear about what is causing the love to disappear.

Double vision magnifies the differences. When you desire intimacy, and you think of a face other than your spouse’s, your vision is distorted. Compared with your new interest, your aggressive spouse becomes an unbearable nag. When gambling becomes as necessary for you as saving money becomes for your spouse, your spouse becomes a spendthrift. When your main interest is “my independent self and I” instead of “my partnership spouse and I” your spouse becomes overly assertive. Small wonder then, that the incompatible differences are not identified in the divorce decree.

Truth be told, incompatibility gets more blame than it deserves. Companionship can acquire a perfect blend, never a perfect match. Differences are accentuated only when selfishness begins to wear dirty or unsuitable glasses.

There is no guarantee that every dysfunctional marriage can be restored to the heaven-on earth condition, but it is a responsible and mature decision to strive for it. Divorce is a tragedy, but so also is a windshield-wiper-type marriage in which both partners perform their duties in separate corners. They both get the job done, but they never touch. If you decide to live together, get help in rebuilding love and trust.

Try love as it is described in the Christian Bible. “Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always ‘me first,’ doesn't fly off the handle, doesn't keep score of the sins of others, doesn't revel when others grovel, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (The Message, 1 Corinthians 3-8). It takes a strong human being with a supernatural spirit to love like this. This is not a dare. Just saying, be careful and prayerful.

Many people leave the marriage expecting that being single again would be less stressful and confining.  No more arguments.  No more embarrassment.  No more sleeping, or eating, or driving with the enemy.  Good reasoning, but not altogether.  When the marriage ends, some find it even more stressful to survive financially, socially and morally.  Worse than that, some rush into second marriages with twice the struggles, and needing twice the energy it would have taken to repair the first marriage. 

Still married?  Then you still have the potential to be happily married!