Levelheaded Divorcee Advises Divorced Friends

Divorce is the traumatic end of a marriage, that important life partnership you formed with someone you trusted and loved. You cried and you tried to save the union but to no avail. Then one or both of you decided that life would be easier if you went your separate ways. You’re disappointed and disoriented, but not dead.

Life is a dance. When you and your partner separate, you may lose your balance, stagger and fall. Get up at whatever pace you can. The music plays on. The rhythm changes and you have new moves to learn. Keep tapping a leg or clicking a finger until you can dance again at full strength.  Don't give up on yourself.

The determination to keep dancing is not a denial of the solemnity and respectability of marriage. It is a resolve not to remain dazed by the unmanageable twist of fate; not to underestimate your individual talent; not to waste the music. Grief and pain can add new moods and expressions to your new solo dance. They can enhance your spiritual strength.

Even while you waltz slowly through the mix of emotions-anger and anticipation, regret and relief, shame and satisfaction, keep in mind that whatever ache you feel is a symptom of life.

You are alive because you have a purpose to fulfill. You have a purpose because you are significant to the God who designed you. Divorce does not change that significance. Neither does it change your self-worth.

During the tumultuous period of your marriage you may have lost sight of your individual goals. Or you may have put them on hold. Make it a priority to reconnect with them and reset your agenda to pursue them. Instead of wasting energy on futile what-ifs and should-haves, pick up where you left off, and regain the mileage you may have lost. Be guided by your sense of purpose.

Purpose gives you a reason to live. It helps you see your failed marriage as a chapter of your life instead of the entire volume. It compels you to forgive your ex-spouse and all who played a part in your dilemma; it helps you accept forgiveness for yourself, so you could be free to move on and accomplish what you were born to do.

Foster same sex friendships. One or two trustworthy persons may be all you need. They can become your emotional support when you are vulnerable. Give them permission to nudge you when you become irrational in your fear or your enthusiasm. Confide in them and seek their company when you are tempted to induce loneliness.

DivorceCare is a reputable mixed gender support group which operates in churches almost everywhere. They help to facilitate the struggle of rebuilding your life. Their weekly meetings give you something to look forward to, and they discuss areas that you may not have considered important until you share the class. They can also help fill your need for friendship.

Be levelheaded. There is no need to adopt a sour-grape mentality toward marriage. It remains honorable and desirable. Take responsibility for the part you played in the failure of your marriage, and do not blame your disappointment on the institution. If you feel the need to share your pain, make sure that your motivation is to help someone learn from it.

Neither is there any reason to consider marriage the greener grass, and pine for it as though there is no life without it. Learn to be content in your situation. Make use of your time-out to digest the lessons you learned, and try to improve yourself should there be a second chance.

Do not become an obstacle in other people's marriage. Give your married friends their space and rejoice with them in their happiness. The fact that marriage is working for them means there’s a chance it can work for you - next time.

A failed marriage is but a chapter – maybe a long, important chapter - in your life, but you do not stop living when it ends.  The world is waiting for you to pick up the pieces and complete your purpose.  The God who gave you that purpose is waiting to take you by your right hand, just as a husband would.  “Do not fear,” He says, “I will help you.” (Isaiah 41:13 NIV)