How To Reclaim A Sister Who Makes A Moral Detour

Sadie became a Christian at age 14. At age 22, she meets a Christian young man of the same age who wants to marry a virgin. After a few dates, he discovers that she has had several sexual partners and an abortion, while professing to be a believer and attending church regularly. Her response to his disappointment is a barrage of Bible verses about the sin of judging others. The reason for relating their story is not to judge or condemn Sadie, but to help us apply the following counsel from the Song of Solomon to her situation.

“We have a little sister, and her breasts are not yet grown. What shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for?” (8:8)

Breasts are symbols of womanhood. On young women, they reveal the development of her female biology. On all women, they represent the ability to nurture and sustain life. Men find them sexually attractive; women tend them with pride. The little sister mentioned in the verse is not ready for the social or sexual challenges of being a grown woman. The man who comes seeking to marry her will find her womanhood deficient.

Sadie also, at age 22 may consider herself an adult, but spiritually she is a little sister without breasts. We do not know what moral training (if any) she received as a child, or whether she was taught biblical principles of sexual conduct when she joined the church. What we do know is that either she is easily seduced or she possesses a false sense of worth which makes it easy for men to take advantage of her. She does not show any signs of remorse and that may tempt us to turn away from her in disgust; but we cannot turn away from the question, “What shall we do for our sister?” It seems that we have some responsibility toward her.

This proposal is a sample, not a comprehensive guide, for dealing with the Sadies. There are variables in each case and prayer for guidance is a prerequisite for any action we will take.

There are many attitudinal issues to consider before we approach Sadie. Can we love her simply for being a woman God made? Does she have the same access that we have to the love and grace of our Heavenly Father? Are we unconcerned about what our acceptance of her will do to our reputation? An honest “Yes” to all these questions is a good start.

We sometimes make a quick decision that someone with extreme behavior like Sadie's may need the kind of help that is beyond our ability to offer. Psychiatrist E. Fuller Torey once said that 75% of patients who are sent for professional help do not need treatment. They just need to be educated in how to live. A friendly support system can offer that, so even if we think Sadie needs professional help, we will still befriend her and love her.

Whenever we find it difficult to love someone, it is because selfishness and prejudice tell us that the person does not deserve our love. When we learn to love the allegedly undeserving woman, we open our minds to see her as God sees her—a child of His, a woman designed for a special purpose, a sister worthy of our embrace. Sadie needs that sister’s embrace. If she pretends to reject it at first, it only means that we have not yet earned her trust.

Every woman has strengths. There must be a way to boost Sadie's self-worth and make her feel like a valuable part of our sisterhood. Let’s talk with her, walk with her, solicit her help and offer our help to learn whatever we can about her. The counsel in the Song continues:

“If she is a wall, we will build towers of silver on her.” (8:9)

As we begin to learn who she really is, and what her talents are, we will provide opportunities for her to contribute in the area(s) where she is gifted. We will showcase her assets that are strong (like a wall). If she flaunts her body type, we will compliment her shape and suggest appropriate fashion styles; compliment her voice and assign her something beautiful to read or sing; compliment her knowledge of Bible verses and teach her how to make personal applications. We will recognize her personal growth and ours, resulting from our sister acts together.

Meanwhile, we will overlook most of her mistakes with a smiling, “Remind me to tell you something about that, later.” We will practice patience and tolerance and work on creating an atmosphere which will facilitate her asking questions.

It would be helpful for the rest of us to share about the battles we fought and overcame in the areas where Sadie is still struggling. By this time, we would have asked her permission to help her deal with the repercussions of her past. We will guard against any suggestion that we are better or stronger, or that she detoured farther than we did.

"If she is a door, we will enclose her with panels of cedar." (8:9)

Sadie seems to have been a door, swinging outward, allowing one man to make his exit, and swinging in again when she found somebody new. We want to repair that door to an appropriate open-shut action, and will use scented panels of love, compassion, and understanding. We will ask questions rather than make prejudiced statements. For example, “Do you know what made you give in?” will be friendlier than, “You should never give in.” Her answer will give her an opportunity to express her regret and allow us to lead her toward repentance and forgiveness--forgiveness from God and from us, meaning that we will not dangle her mistakes over her head in the future.

The counsel to confess our faults is followed immediately by the counsel to pray for one another that we might be healed and restored. (James 5:16). It leaves no space for gossip or consultations for second and third opinions. We will only share her problem if necessary , with her permission, in our effort to get help which we are incapable of providing.

The woman in the Song acknowledges her strength in a way that might seem threatening to Sadie. Sadie has no breasts; the woman seems to have more than enough.

"I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers. Thus I have become in his eyes like one bringing contentment." (8:10)

We all want to be strong for Sadie, but we do not want to give the impression that our strength is unattainable to her. We haven’t always been strong ourselves, so we will emphasize to Sadie that perseverance rather than perfection is our watchword.

We will support and encourage each other. We will establish a system of accountability which allows us to question one another about how and why we do what we do: what we read, what media programs we follow, what happens in our premarital relationships, what boundaries we set, and how we stay focused on our purpose. Sadie will learn more effectively by interaction with us than by listening to our lectures. That’s the way it is with sisters!

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