Converting Negative Media Messages Into Positive Family Conversations

They heard it on the NBC Nightly News (February 6, 2012), a regular evening broadcast in the homes of many traditional families. They turned on the news to receive updates on world affairs and local happenings, and with that came the sensational report of the day. If they missed it on the television, it would greet them on the Internet.

Mimi Alford, author of Once Upon a Secret: My Affair with President John F. Kennedy and its Aftermath, alleged that at age nineteen (1962) she had been seduced by the president of the United States and lost her virginity to him. To a father and mother listening to the headline, and watching their teenage children focus on the story, the details are not as important as the conversation which needs to follow. To turn away in silence will leave unanswered questions in the children's minds —not about Mimi’s affair, but about the opinions of the parents.

Since scenarios in the news are contrary to the principled lifestyle maintained in responsible homes, parents need to help the children decipher the contradiction. Stories featuring negative actions are good teaching opportunities to engage the children in discussion and decision making. In these conversations, they can learn the need for caution, for resisting peer pressure, for adult counsel and for the family forum. They also develop a sense of belonging as they experience the satisfaction of the parents’ attention.

Using the Nightly News item mentioned above, we will explore the social and moral benefits of such a conversation between a father, a mother, a teenage son and a teenage daughter. There will be no lecture. There will be no judgement and no condemnation. There will be talk, questions and feedback. Social skills development will be a by-product of the exercise.

Questions may arise about the possibility of the daughter finding herself in a similar situation--alone away from home, being seduced by a man of authority, deceived by the notion that he actually cares about her. It would be time to review the values she has set in place to help her withstand the temptation.

Someone might ask her: “Still a virgin at nineteen and obviously not promiscuous, why do you think the young woman gave in to the president? Do you think that the satisfaction of being a virgin for her own husband ever crossed her mind that night? In what way do you think you would have reacted differently?”

Family members may agree or present other views in their feedback to her answers. The aim is to help the young woman establish prepared responses, or at least consider the possibility of facing the situation, so she would not be caught off guard. Having this face to face discussion is worth ten times more than a telephone conversation after she moves out. The memory of this conversation and the knowledge that her parents care will help influence her moral decisions in the future. It will also encourage her to seek their counsel on other personal matters.

The son may listen more than talk in this conversation. Even if brothers hurt their sisters in sibling rivalry, they accept their roles to defend them from victimization by others. He might be visualizing his sister in a similar situation and thinking of revenge. At first, he may be unwilling to share his thoughts since he may be thinking about hurting the offender, but he may disclose his anger when probed to voice his opinions.

Questions directed to him could be “How would you react if the woman you marry reveals a secret like this after you are married? What controls do you have in place to prevent yourself from disrespecting and abusing women, sexually and otherwise? What if you met an older woman who tried to seduce you?”

His answers may lead the discussion into the topics of deception, caution and self-control. The parents may gain an opportunity to tell some of their courtship stories, which may provide some laughter to lighten the mood. They may also use this time to tell their children how proud of they are of their intentions, and register their support to help them succeed. This is quality time with the family, the value of which nothing can compare.

The father might be asked to give his input on how young women can stand up to victimization from men who abuse the authority of their office. Women sometimes think that denying the selfishness of the abuser is the same as disrespecting his authority. It is easy to see how even an unwilling young woman would consider accepting the abuse rather than offending her boss, which in this case is also a much older man. It could make a difference for her to hear from her father, what he thinks is the best way to deal with such men.

The father might be asked questions like, “What do you think would have been an appropriate response to the president when he initiated the affair? Is there a way to gain a man’s respect after allowing him to use you? Why should a young woman feel or not feel that she hurts the man she rejects?”

Having permission from her father to stand up to men of any age and position will give her the confidence to do it. Meanwhile the son watches his father's example of leadership in the home and male appreciation for women. The young man learns that he is responsible for respecting and protecting them. He might even regard his father as a trusted mentor to him when he needs advice for his girl troubles.

Society forces women to measure their worth by their relationships, and the mother understands that for a young woman, the idea of a relationship with the president could be very compelling. She might be anxious to stress the importance of permanent self-worth over a transitory, secretive fling. She may be tempted to repeat all the advice she’s ever given, but she has to wait for her questions.

“What would you do if your daughter succumbed in a situation like this?” someone might ask. “Does this incident make you remember anything you forgot to teach her? What will it take to make you comfortable about your daughter leaving home to live on her own?”

The mother’s expression of concern or confidence will again pull at the children’s heartstrings and strengthen their resolve to conduct their lives in obedience to the principles which their parents teach. At the same time, the parents have the opportunity to bless the children with permission to exercise their judgement and develop their individuality. Family support, no matter what, is the whole idea.

This conversation may last fifteen to twenty minutes around the dinner table, or around the television just after the Nightly News. It takes time and commitment to build this kind of forum in which the parents become the primary mentors for their children. It can happen if they take advantage of the small windows of opportunity here and there to make communication a habit. There is no shortage of topics in the media. Carpe diem!

There is no one-size-fits-all rule for the family conversation. Each family develops its own according to its lifestyle, according to the age of children, and so. However, there are some basic principles of good family conversation that all parents do well to remember.

1. Begin the habit of family conversations in the children’s preschool years.
2. Don’t force conversations; look for appropriate moments.
3. Be available when they want to start the conversation.
4. Listen as much as speak.
5. Ask open-ended questions.
6. Offer to do research if they ask a question you cannot answer.
7. Follow-up whenever you promise.
8. Build, not destroy, the children’s courage to deal with situations.
9. Include touching, like a hug or pat on the back, to help you communicate love and concern.
10. Teach the children that conversation with God, through prayer, is always available at all times, even when you are not.